Breathe, Relax, Climax: The Secrets to Better Orgasms

Orgasms: we all want them, but why are they so elusive? Join Dr. Kerry Winge and Gabby Foster as they explore the fascinating science behind the big O. From the importance of blood flow and oxygenation to the power of positive self-talk, you'll gain valuable insights to help you reach new heights of pleasure. Whether you're single or in a relationship, this episode will empower you to take control of your sexual well-being.

Transcript

Kerry Winge: So today we are talking about orgasms and we're talking about the big O, and we're going to simplify it for everyone. The reason why we're talking about orgasms is because it is a frequently asked question in our clinic. So we thought that would be an important topic to address for everybody. With our patient population, a lot of times people do not come in for an orgasmic disorder, which is actually called anorgasmia. They're coming in for other diagnoses, such as stress urinary incontinence or pelvic pain or back pain. But once we go to discharge our patients, a lot of times they bring up the question of orgasm. They do because they've reached their goals. They're able to live and enjoy their life at this point in time. And then they're actually able to calm their systems down and think about other areas in their life that they have concerns. And they're just not ready to go. So we figured that this was a very important topic for today. Sexual desire actually begins in the brain. So do you guys know the difference between libido and arousal?

Gabby Foster: So I can answer that. Arousal gets you going and that's how your system reacts, but libido actually does start in the brain.

Kerry Winge: Yes. Libido is actually your sex drive where arousal is when you bring oxygenation and blood flow to those tissues and you get like the erectile response. So there's a lot of factors actually that can decrease your sex drive that are modifiable in your lifestyle itself. So physical activity will increase oxygenation.

Obesity decreases it, and excessive alcohol and drug consumption. So a lot of people will say, well, you're fine, just relax and have a drink. So one is okay, but alcohol is actually a depressant. And too much alcohol can actually interfere both with sex drive and performance. But in addition, stress, lack of sleep, depression, and more importantly, the negative attitudes and beliefs about sex and a history of trauma. All of those things will decrease your libido.

So what exactly are the components of orgasm itself? We keep this simple and we always say bop before you pop. So bop is blood flow, which is extremely important, oxygenation, and your positive self-talk. So stress actually kills it all. It's going to kill the blood flow. It's going to kill the oxygenation to your brain. And when you're stressed, you're really not thinking positively. So people always stress. They stress about not having enough sex. They're stressing about not having good sex. They're stressing about the inability to have an orgasm. So the issue is that our minds are so powerful and that the cognitive processes and the attitudes and beliefs can actually really block the pleasurable sexual response.

So the worst thing that you can do when you have a problem, which is what everybody does, is they go to Dr. Google. So all of a sudden they're sitting back and they're like, okay, we're going to psychoanalyze this and I am going to find the answer. I'm going to find the answer on the internet. I'm going to find the answer in TikTok. But what happens is you're going to try to go and you're going to try to diagnose your problem. And everything in social media is going to either sell you like a cream, a pill, a device, or a self-help book to fix you. But in fact, the act itself of your psychoanalysis is adding to your problem, because what it's doing is it's causing more stress, which decreases blood flow, oxygenation, and it promotes the negative self-talk.

So worse yet, say you're like, all right, well, I'm not going to go to Dr. Google, I'm going to go and I'm going to talk to my friend. We're just going to have a conversation about this because I can't figure it out. Well, my question is like, how does your friend know what you like? How does your friend know what your preferences are? They don't. So the actual answer is really inside you. And the key to a good orgasm is relaxation of your brain and then stimulation of your body. So we really, really need to overall change our thinking.

And mindfulness is the most important thing that you can do. And mindfulness itself is a buzzword. You hear it all over. But it's very simply an awareness of how you feel. So it's an emotion. It's not what you think. It's actually how you feel. So you can attend to your five senses. So your sight, your smell, your touch, your taste, and your listening. So we want you to tend to those five senses within everyday tasks and this is how you practice relaxing your brain and how you can achieve a better result in the bedroom. So we talked about when you're in the shower, you are going to attend your five senses. So what is the temperature of the water, and how does your shower gel smell?

Can you feel your feet in contact with the floor of the shower and feel the water just dripping down your feet? Can you relax your muscles? Can you focus on your breathing? And can you really pay attention to the act of showering itself and not thinking about your grocery list or your emails or that you have to get back to a friend during that time? Can you calm down your mind and only focus on one thing at a time? And that is a challenge, even when you're brushing your teeth. Can you feel that toothbrush in your mouth? Can you feel that contact with the gums? Really attuned to what's happening. So in our daily life, especially in the United States, we're really focused on multitasking. And the truth is that the brain itself cannot multitask.

It's only thinking about one thing at a time, even though you're giving it a lot of things to think of. So that's going to increase your cortisol response. It's going to increase your stress level. It's going to decrease your oxygenation. It's going to decrease your blood flow. And then people wonder why they have problems in the bedroom. So funny fact, we're not the only species, obviously, that procreates. And we're not the only species that has orgasms. But we're the only species that have problems with our orgasms.

Because every other species is taught to go by their emotion. Think about a two-year-old, okay? So when you see a two-year-old, a two-year-old is so excited about everything that they have in their environment. And that's why they call it the terrible twos. It's really not the terrible twos. It's the actual exciting twos, because they're out there exploring the world, but they're going by how they feel. Oh, look at the shiny object over there. Oh my gosh, that is something fun. Oh, this tastes really good. That's why everything is going into the mouth. And so what we're doing is we're telling them to not do that, to not focus on their inner emotions. We're teaching them awareness for safety, which is important, but actually we're doing children a disservice when we don't actually tell them that it's okay to listen to those emotions.

So overall when we wake up the pleasure centers in our brain, then we start to relax our system and we start to think more about sex which is very natural for us. And one of the things that we can calm our system down that everybody says and I get laughed at because I'm like, okay, you guys really need to learn how to breathe. I'm like, what do you mean I need to learn how to breathe? Well, when you're stressed out, you're only breathing in the top of your chest and you're taking shallow breaths. Or you might breathe in, but we don't exhale, which is why a lot of times people will go and they'll get a complete blood count and their CO2 levels will be elevated. Why is their carbon dioxide levels elevated? Because they're not exhaling because it's staying inside their body. So if you're taking shallow breaths with your stress response, how do you think the oxygen in the blood flow is getting down to the area that we want it to in order to elevate our performance?

So it can't. So how do you stimulate those areas? Well, fun fact, we're going to be talking about the erogenous zones, which I don't know if it's something that people have really learned about. But if anybody has watched Friends before, the Friends episode, there's an awesome Friends episode about the erogenous zones. It's actually the one with Phoebe's uterus, which is episode 11, season 4, if you guys want to look it up. And I'm gonna let Gabby take it from here because she is a Friends fan.

Gabby Foster: All right, so Chandler comes in, he's super frustrated. The sex is okay, it's not like mind-blowing. So he asked Monica and Rachel how did you know how to do it better from a woman's perspective?

Kerry Winge: Wasn't he dating the same woman that Joey dated?

Gabby Foster: Yeah.

Kerry Winge: Oh, yeah. And so with her, obviously, there was a lot of loud noises in the apartment.

Gabby Foster: Yes. Yeah. So Monica draws a picture and has the erogenous zones, which when I was watching this before, my mind was not a full body. I didn't know. I didn't even know about erogenous zones. But she draws a picture. She places them all over the body. Monica's getting into it. She says, you start here at the one, at the two, at the four, back to the two. Then you hit the six and the seven, seven, seven, seven, seven. And she just, the thought of it just gets her going. So I think even looking back at that, I mean, even Friends can help you out with some of this stuff. But you can't really rely on rom-coms and social media, you have to really talk to the professionals.

Kerry Winge: It does help though. I mean, it gets your body moving. It gets your brain thinking about fun things overall, but the erogenous zones also had to go on that episode on Grey's Anatomy as well when they were doing the sex education. And the erogenous zones are areas that can stimulate blood flow and for pleasure. So they're your neck, your ears, which has a lot of nerve endings in it, your back, your stomach, the inside of your elbows, your buttocks, your lower thighs, the insides of your thighs, and of course, the obvious areas.

Gabby Foster: Which I think you wanted to mention that it's so important. The erogenous zones are so important to connect those sensations to the brain. Because the ear, I mean, you could be a quadriplegic or a paraplegic, and you can still feel those feelings based on your erogenous zones.

Kerry Winge: And you can still have an orgasm if you're a paraplegic or a quadriplegic. Which a lot of people don't know, but it's about the brain rewiring and you will experience sex differently, but you can still experience sexual pleasure, which is great. The mind is a very, very powerful thing. And we have some fun facts, actually. So women actually have erectile tissue, just like men do. So the clitoris itself is erectile tissue, and it takes about 15 minutes for the tissue to actually fill with blood. And so just like a man gets an erection, a woman can actually get an erection as well. So during that time, once the blood flow fills, Nathaniel looks very interested.

Nathaniel DeSantis: So my question is, and hello to the audience and the producer of the podcast, I get to the luxury of this great, wonderful education. Can women then get erectile dysfunction if that is erectile tissue?

Kerry Winge: Yes, yes, they absolutely can. And so it is that brain connection and there's things, conditions that will make things difficult for a woman to have an orgasm. And some of it is hormonal changes. So sometimes during pregnancy, women will have increased blood flow. And so everything is heightened and feel really great. After pregnancy, there is a drop in the hormones. Also during menopause, there's a lot of changes when we decrease the estrogen. But even with all of these changes that are happening, if you calm down your mind, you can get back the blood flow. It's a little bit challenging, but it absolutely can happen. I just think there's so many factors in today's lifestyle that are working against the blood flow and the oxygenation and the relaxation of the brain, and also social norms, which is something that we have come across a lot within our practice, because Gabby and I also treat sexual dysfunction and pain with intercourse.

And a lot of the garbage that has been fed to not only women, but men and people in general stays in. So if I asked you a question and I said, you know, what happens when you put in garbage? What happens? Garbage in?

Nathaniel DeSantis: Garbage out.

Kerry Winge: Right. And that is the logical answer. But actually, when garbage goes in, garbage stays in. Garbage doesn't go out. When you put wisdom in, wisdom stays in.

So it's about understanding that regardless of what happened in the past, we are adults and we can make our own decisions. And we really need to question our negative thinking and really talk positively to ourselves. So is this feeling that I'm feeling from my partner, does it feel good? Is it positive? Where do I feel it in my system? Can I relax? Or does it shift back to a memory of trauma and disease and that's when you end up having disease in your body. It's actually disease, it's that series of discomfort. It's when you are not connected and it's when the body is imbalanced but we can actually train our brain to look at the situation and the stimulus in a positive way and some of that may require seeing a psychological professional, whether it's a counselor, a PhD, an MD. But in physical therapy, we do a lot in our practice, we do mind-body integration and functional healing. So you cannot have a condition that just involves you physically, there is a mental, there is an emotional component. And that's why people are healed, because we look at the entire body and we understand the root cause of what is going on with them. So we always say we don't put a Band-Aid on bullet holes.

We find what's going on, and no matter how long it takes, we work individually with that patient to find out really what makes them tick so that we can start to put the pieces back together and build them to the healthy lifestyle so that they can live their best life based on what their definition is.

Gabby Foster: I think that's another reason it's so important not to reach out to your friends. They have a completely different past. They have a completely different lifestyle. Someone may be just engaged and excited but scared because they've never had intercourse before. And then you've got people that have three kids and then that's where, like, the stress and trying to multitask and just too tired. Everyone is in a different phase of life. And I think when they come here, they start to develop a relationship with the professional, which is us. And then we can either treat what we see and then what they tell us once they get comfortable. And then we can either refer to that professional in another setting or guide them in the right direction.

Kerry Winge: Yeah. We do have a wonderful team of professionals that we work with. I mean, we work with everybody from, oh gosh, GI, oncology, primary care physicians, OB/GYN, urology, urogynecology, pediatrics, everybody probably from four or five different, about six different states have come and traveled to see us here. And the reason is because we really get to the root cause. And we really take that concierge care with listening to them and treating them one on one.

Gabby Foster: Which people don't get that really anywhere else for the most part. One-on-one for an hour is really unheard of for healthcare now. And you have to listen and you want to listen and you want, you get to know their families. And that's where like the true care and compassion comes in.

Kerry Winge: And we treat them how to advocate for themselves, especially with medicine today, you really do need to advocate for yourself and getting to really know what your needs are is the first step and being able to communicate what those needs are to someone else. And that doesn't matter whether you're communicating at work, whether you're communicating in your personal relationships, whether you're communicating to another medical professional, you have to really know inside yourself what it is that you require. And that's no different with orgasm. You have to know what feels good to you in order to be able to explain that to somebody else. And so, I mean, we even talk about self-pleasuring. There's a lot of different tools and tricks of the trade out there. And there's different feelings based on the social norms or how somebody grew up on whether or not that is permissible for them. But for us, the vagina, a penis, we say the words all the time, it's no different than an elbow, an ear, or a neck. It is part of your body. It's a part of your system. So if somebody grew up in a family where they said, okay, you're not allowed to touch yourself or anybody else. And then if you get married and find your partner, well, then all of a sudden, the red light goes to green light.

You can't go from green light to red light because for so many years that garbage was in and it was programmed as the no-no zone for you. It was programmed of something to not talk about and to not explore and to not really even be taught hygiene, how to take care of yourself. And as you change in those phases, it was taught as an embarrassment. So Gabby and I also do a ton of education from hygiene to different products that are out there for women and for men. We treat all genders and we basically take care of people.

Gabby Foster: Well, and there are a lot of supplements that are non-hormonal that women may be scared to take. And actually, this career has really just opened my eyes to how naive I was about my health and other women's health and what's normal and how things should feel. And going back to supplements, I mean... There are aids and techniques and just different equipment that can be used to really help things along. But you need that right person to help you be guided.

Kerry Winge: You do. Like, I really like the bullet as a vibrator. I mean, so easy. You can get it at Target. You can get it at Walmart. And it is just vibration. But you can take that small little vibrator bullet and you can put it on the erogenous zones. And that's going to increase the blood flow and makes your brain pay attention to that area and start that stimulation going. And the other thing is, as far as like sex and orgasm, it really depends on what works for you. And what works for one couple doesn't work for another couple. That's another question I've been asked, like how many times a week should we be having sex? Well, that really depends on your choices. Health-wise, sex is extremely healthy. And it is important to clean those pipes because that's what we're made to do, right? So I would say twice a week with yourself or somebody else, you want to increase that blood flow. It is a use it or lose it philosophy. So mentally and emotionally, if you're in a new relationship and you're having a lot of sex, sex drives sex. Your brain has been used to it. It's almost like once you're back on the bike, you want to go a little bit further. And then when you've been off of it for a while, then the cobwebs start to creep in. You almost forget what it is like to connect with yourself.

Gabby Foster: Well, and I'm sure that no other partner has said, why haven't we been doing that? It's just that it's always a common thing that we say.

Kerry Winge: It is. And with men with prostate problems or women even after menopause, because of all of the hormonal changes, that tissue decreases the elasticity and it decreases the blood flow. So actually having sex increases the tissue and the blood flow. So the elasticity is important. So that's why we say it is a use it or lose it philosophy. I mean, you wouldn't just not blow your nose for a year, right? So it is important to utilize your whole body and feel comfortable with it.

Gabby Foster: And I'm not sure if this will be for another episode, but I work a lot with patients with incontinence and we have a sensor treatment. And a lot of times I insert the sensor and it's supposed to cue the brain to connect to the pelvic floor. You might feel tingling. I tell the patient it might feel different for everyone, but you'll feel a sensation. If not, that's fine, but if you do let me know and they don't feel anything and they panic and then they're like oh I'm feeling something like yeah because there's blood flow going to that area now because you're working those muscles that you haven't been working for a while.

Kerry Winge: Exactly. So the sensor is actually a little piece of plastic that inserts either into the vagina or the rectum, depending on what the medical diagnosis is and what we have chosen for treatment. After we consent with the patient and they know what's going on, when we begin the treatment, a lot of times if they don't feel it, they'll even tell Gabby, "Hey, it's not working." Well, we know it's working because we have the machine, and they're actually working on contracting the muscles. The machine helps you contract the muscles a little bit better, so it's trying to recruit all those fibers for an area that's weak in order to increase the coordination of the pelvic floor to work properly. But like Gabby was saying, as the treatments progress and their body starts to understand what it's supposed to do, then they will feel the sensation.

Kerry Winge: So that's the same thing. It's the mind-body connection. So a lot of these tools that we're using are wonderful, and they're wonderful to start out because everybody is going to start on a different continuum. If they have an orgasmic dysfunction or if they're looking to improve their sex life, these tools are wonderful. As you are working with your mind, the actual key to the problem is being able to control your brain, getting off that hamster wheel on a daily basis of society, being able to breathe properly, calm your brain down, and focus on how you're feeling with those emotions. So use the tools when you need, but try to work on getting back to yourself. That can take six months to a year because we have to retrain our brains. And the simplest things to do are the things that people will put off and not do because they think it's not going to work. But the basis of our life is we have to make sure that we sleep well, which sex is great because it increases your sleep. We have to make sure that we hydrate.

Kerry Winge: And we have to make sure that we are doing our breathing and our walking and our moving. Just basic daily things that we put off and don't do because we're answering 200 emails or answering the phone immediately when somebody is calling and just going from stress response to stress response to stress response. So if you want to improve your life, you have to step off.

Gabby Foster: I think it's really important to be aware of your anatomy and when you are using the bullet or your hands and it's just yourself. I think even just becoming comfortable taking a mirror and looking at what your tissue looks like and even... From a medical standpoint, but also just an enjoyable standpoint. I think that that's important. We have a lot of patients. I ask them if they want a mirror and they think that's the craziest thing. And those are the people I hand them the mirror. They need the mirror.

Kerry Winge: They do. It's important to love your body and to know what you look like.

Gabby Foster: Yeah.

Kerry Winge: Yeah. Agreed.

Nathaniel DeSantis: I have a quick question about, you keep on saying your breathing. Could you, you mentioned it's like diaphragm breathing, right? Is it supposedly just taking deep breaths in like every day? When I wake up, let's say I'm having problems with my orgasms. When I wake up, should I just take five deep breaths in every morning and then say I'm at nighttime? What does that consist of? What's the routine for the breathing look like?

Kerry Winge: Sure. So the routine for the breathing is approximately three to five times a day of five minutes because you need to break your cycle throughout the day. Just like I always tell my patients, okay, I would rather you go on 15-minute walks three times a day than one 45-minute walk or working out for one hour. I want you to integrate your movement through your day. It is not healthy for us to sit down on our butts all day long and then just do one hour of exercise. So the same thing with the breathing, you're using the breathing to take that cortisol level, say from the level of seven to a level four. And you look at your surroundings, you figure out where you are and you basically just say, okay, stop. You shut everything down, you put a timer on for five minutes. And I like the 4-4-7 breathing. So you put your hands down on your lower ribs right above your hips. You're going to breathe into those lower ribs. If they're not moving, which is called east and west, if they're not moving, you push into those ribs. And the reason why you push into them is to get the signal of the brain to expand the rib cage.

Kerry Winge: You can do it in a laying down position or you can do it in a sitting position. And I want you to breathe in for four seconds. You breathe in only in through your nose and out through your nose. That is it. So breathe in one, two, three, four. Then at the top of the breath, you're going to hold and tighten up your core as much as you can for one, two, three, four. Then you're going to exhale for seven, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. And then immediately hold your breath at the end and tighten up your core for one, two, three, four. And then you repeat it. It's breathe in for four, hold for four.

Kerry Winge: Exhale for seven and hold for four. And you're doing that to expand the oxygen lower into the pelvis and then you're tightening up your core to get your body and your mind to relax. So if somebody would come up to you, let's just say you had somebody hold their hand on your wrist all day. Within an hour, you're not going to notice that their hand is tight on your wrist. But if they go and they squeeze that wrist really hard, you'll say, "Hey, hey, let go." So you're holding your breath and you're just trying to pop those oxygenation and release your system. Then after that five minutes, then I want you to reassess where's my stress level. I guarantee you 100%. You'll never say, "I wish I didn't do that breathing." So then what you did was say you went from stress level seven to a level four.

Kerry Winge: Then in a couple hours, you're going to do it again. Eventually your body is not going to live at that level seven. It will start to drop down and live at that level four. So if something upsets you and your cortisol level and your stress hormones increase, then you might go up to a five and then you'll be able to have those tools and that breathing to drop down to a four. We're never going to live at a two or a one because we have society. So that's just absolutely impossible unless you're on a desert island by yourself. That's it. Maybe with a couple tricks. But did that answer your question? There's a long answer to your question.

Nathaniel DeSantis: Yeah, 4-4-7-4. I think that's easy enough for everyone to do. And then is this something where, let's say, I mean, this is obviously, and I'll have questions later on from a man's perspective about certain things, but is this something where like when I'm in bed and I'm getting ready to become intimate with my partner. Is this something I should do right before we start to kind of tap into that like relaxation mode?

Kerry Winge: The breathing is a wonderful thing. The perfect practice makes perfect. If you practice something incorrectly, you're going to have the same result. So yes, that is. And that's a difference too between the difference of man and a woman's brain, as far as getting ready for sexual activity, it really starts hours, even days before. So it's about your love languages and how you feel supported in a relationship. So if you're angry at your partner or you're completely exhausted, you're probably not going to be interested in sex. But just say, out of the five love languages, yours happens to be physical touch and quality time. And every night you guys are spending 45 minutes to an hour just together. That's going to start to feed that cup and that's going to relax your system. It's all about all of those signals that you accept is going to feed the relaxation response of the brain, which is what we're trying to do.

Kerry Winge: Women's, they'll increase their blood flow and their relaxation response a lot of times with reading something that is erotic or watching a rom-com movie because they go more towards romance and love where guys are really more visual. I mean, they could see all of a sudden like a Victoria's Secret fashion show and be like, hello. So it really depends on what you're interested in and kind of what gets you going. And so you figure that out and those are the keys for you.

Nathaniel DeSantis: So I feel like for a lot of men that take away from that is because admittedly as a guy it really is as simple as like what you're saying you're watching Victoria's Secret or seeing an ad on TV sometimes but for men I think it is like open communication with your partner right how many men are sitting down and asking what's your love language to their partner and trying to figure that out I think that's an important aspect of what you're saying it's not just the comfort of yourself, but like, is your partner helping with the comfort?

Kerry Winge: Yeah, it is. Because I mean, from a woman's perspective, I don't know a woman who isn't as interested in sex as their partner is. I really don't. I think that if somebody is working and/or a stay at home mom, there's so many things that has to be done during the day. And you're constantly taking care of other people and have other demands, that you're not having the opportunity to think about yourself and really how you're feeling. So say your partner does something as simple as bathing the kids or picking up dinner for you, or in any type of professional couple relationship, that's the same thing. Doing something that is kind to better somebody else's life is going to give that individual the time and the space to fill their cup. And then in turn, that helps your relationship because they're going to be more interested in sex because they're going to have the opportunity to relax a little bit and be able to get in the mood for that. However, there are some people who actually use sex as a stress relief when they are stressed. And that is completely the other end of the spectrum. It's not as common.

Kerry Winge: But the majority of people, if they are stressed, it's the last thing on their mind. But who knows? Everybody's different. So I guess overall, every thought that you think contradicts what, every thought that you think that actually contradicts what you want is going to lead you away from your desires. So that's the takeaway. And so you have to ask yourself, when are you actually going to be the cooperative component to your own intentions. Are you working for yourself or are you working against yourself? And so we've learned a lot of tips here. And you always have to remember that you have to bop before you pop. So blood flow is important. Oxygenation is important. Is extremely important. And positive self-talk, always.

Nathaniel DeSantis: I have a question. So any guys listening to this might have a bit of an opposite problem that some of the women tuning in would have in the sense that having an orgasm is not difficult. It's that they're achieving it too quick or too fast. What advice do you have for that?

Kerry Winge: So what I would advise is working on the breathing as well and it happens too fast because they're not connected with their internal system. So just like their system is in fight or flight all the time like say at a scale of zero to ten your stress level is operating at a seven and then something upsets you you're at a ten you'll have a tendency to go off and not be aware of your emotions. It's the same thing in the bedroom. You have the stimulation and your body is already at that heightened fight or flight state. And then all of a sudden things are happening too fast. So if you can learn to calm your system down, then when you get close to orgasm, you can back off just a little bit and then allow things to happen at a slower rate, but you can also get a better result because you'll be able to build and relax and build and relax. And that way, you might have better satisfaction.

Gabby Foster: Kerry, I don't think you mentioned what an O-face was.

Kerry Winge: So I have an NDA with my husband, non-disclosure agreement when we're on the podcast about the... I don't really know what mine looks like because I don't watch myself having sex. I do not have mirrors in my bedroom, although people might, but he'd be able to tell you better what it looks like.

Gabby Foster: So I think that the takeaway too is it doesn't matter what your O-face looks like because it's completely uncontrollable and you've enjoyed yourself and you've reached the other end. You've made it to the other side.

Kerry Winge: It's always awesome.

Gabby Foster: Yes. So I think that doesn't matter what our O-face looks like. It's for our partners.

Nathaniel DeSantis: And I think going off what Gabby said is something that Kerry said off camera to us is that your brain literally shuts down as you're orgasming. So your O-face is literally like you'd have no control really over. Is that correct? Am I right?

Kerry Winge: Yeah, it's euphoria. It's amazing.

Nathaniel DeSantis: A question, it's a two-part question for self and then for men, not self me, but like for a woman going through this and then for men who can help. You mentioned erogenous zones earlier, your inner elbow, thigh, the obvious ones that we're all aware of. If I'm a woman struggling with orgasms, how can I utilize those body areas to help me with that? And if I am a man wanting to better pleasure my partner with those erogenous zones, what can I do with that?

Kerry Winge: Oh, perfect. I love this question. So for women, I don't think that they should focus on the actual orgasm itself. It's going to happen naturally when it's going to happen. So you don't want to hyper-focus on something and stress yourself out because it's about relaxing and just being able to be in the moment and feel when those erogenous zones are being stimulated. And I would stimulate the erogenous zones for 15 minutes prior to going down to the clitoral stimulation. So everything but. One of the most tender spots on both a woman and a man are their nipples, actually.

I mean, unless you're breastfeeding. So that's not really fun when you're breastfeeding because your breasts are being used to feed and as a result, they're not your own and there's nothing sexy about them for about a year afterwards from personal experience. You do get your body back, which is great. Thank the Lord. But anyway, so that's what I would do. As far as a man wanting to stimulate his partner better, I would also work on those erogenous zones. So kissing, stroking, changes in pressure, changes in temperature are great. But I also wouldn't try intercourse until her clitoral stimulation is erectile. So because you're not going to put anything into the vagina unless it's hard. So she shouldn't have anything in there until she is as well. And she'll definitely be asking for it at the point that she is ready because when that erectile tissue goes, everything.

Every cell in her system is going to say, okay, I want this and this is time and I'm ready. I mean, you will know. There'll be no question whatsoever. And so working really around the vulva tissue. So the clitoris is actually very long. It's not just the button at the top.

It comes down to the sides almost like a horseshoe. So stimulating the sides of her labial tissue with pressure and working everything around that clitoris will stimulate the tissue and it will help her to reach not only orgasm, but a more intense orgasm. There's also different types of orgasms that women have. There is the clitoral stimulation and then there's also internal orgasms. So deep within the pelvis, kind of over at the part of the cervix, that has a lot of nerve endings. There is the regular G spot, which is in the vagina more towards the top. If you would put your finger in and kind of go up, there's a tiny little bit of rough tissue in there. And that is just about 12 o'clock or so. And then there is another one called the A spot which is actually deeper in the pelvis so the bottom area of the vagina that's the posterior floor and it abuts right up against your rectum. It's a very very thin portion of the tissue and that stimulates the rectal tissue and the rectal nerves and that will also stimulate another type of orgasm deep within the pelvis.

So that's really position dependent and what feels good for your partner. But those are different nerve endings that are really positive. There are people that have problems achieving orgasm if they have some low back pain, because those are also the nerves that would affect sacral dysfunction, lower back dysfunction, coccyx pain, or if someone had a difficult birth, those are some of the areas that the nerves can be disturbed and that we have to work on reconnecting.

Nathaniel DeSantis: So earlier in the episode, you mentioned that there are supplements that people can take to help with this. And for those people who might be wanting to add that supplement to their list of supplements to take, can you tell us a little bit more about that? What should they get? What should they be looking at?

Kerry Winge: Sure. We use a company called Bonafide, and it has scientifically backed research for one of their products is called Ristella. And it is a supplement that is supposed to increase arousal by increasing blood flow to the genitals, but it's also within your whole system. So you can't just, you know, just like you can't spot, just like you can't lose weight in one area, you also can't gain blood flow just to one area of your body. So overall, it increases blood flow. So that would increase satisfaction because that would increase the blood flow and oxygenation to the erectile tissues. And you have to be really careful when you're looking for supplements on the market because you don't really know what is in them. And a lot of times they're not FDA regulated or approved. So it's important to go, you know, with a company that is. We strongly support the company because not only because of their research, but we use it with our patients. So the efficacy is very well received and it's hormone free. But it's funny because we will give our patients the Ristella product and we'll, you know, they'll come back. We'll say, well, you know, how did it go? And they said, well, nothing happened. And we're like, well, why?

Well, because I didn't feel like I want to have sex. Well, that's not the whole point. It's not going to increase your libido. It's going to increase your arousal. So I'm like, you have to try this and give it about 15 minutes. It's supposed to increase the blood flow to the area. And then that in turn is going to help your orgasm. So we have to make sure that we always educate them. It is still going to be a use it or lose it philosophy. But the patients that are using the Ristella, and they're doing extremely well.

Gabby Foster: I had a text about an hour ago.

Kerry Winge: You had a text?

Gabby Foster: I had a text about an hour ago of a patient that asked for more samples, please.

Kerry Winge: See? Yes, yes. Well, the whole thing is we started giving it to patients, and they kept coming in and like, hey, can I have a couple more of those? So finally, Gabby and I were like, wait a second, should we be hoarding them or should we actually give them out? Like, let's try this out.

Nathaniel DeSantis: So then another question that I have just, and this, I don't know, this might be a dumb question, but there might be a situation where maybe someone, for some reason, cannot, for medical purposes, orgasm because maybe there was a surgery, maybe something was going on. Are there natural ways to make your brain feel as good as an orgasm without, orgasmic. Does that make sense?

Kerry Winge: Yeah. So heroin's bad for you.

Nathaniel DeSantis: Okay. So no is the answer.

Kerry Winge: Not that I am aware of reading.

Nathaniel DeSantis: There was a study where I don't remember what it was. Some doctor had made it so like there was this woman who like when she pushed this red button it stimulated something that like an orgasm in her and she had pressed it so many times that like she had like rubbed her finger like raw. I don't know if you guys have read about that.

Kerry Winge: It again she pressed a what?

Nathaniel DeSantis: If she pressed like this button there was something that was attached inside her vagina and that caused an orgasm and she was pressing it so much that her like literally like she was rubbing the skin off of her finger from it because I mean that's the addictive side of orgasming as well you know and I think that's interesting.

Kerry Winge: Absolutely. I can't remember what movie it was that the woman had I think it was like the vibrating panties and there was a control to it. What was it and then somebody I don't know who somebody got a control of the controller or something like that. And yeah, was it the baby?

Gabby Foster: Yeah.

Kerry Winge: Oh my God.

Gabby Foster: Toddler. Those darn toddlers.

Kerry Winge: Let's see. Maybe it is a terrible twos. I don't know. Fun fact. There is a connection between sneezing and orgasms. So some people have reported sneezing actually after orgasm because it's believed to be due to a quirky mix up of the nerves evolved. Which is crazy. So orgasms also can be a natural pain reliever. During the orgasm, the body actually releases endorphins that act as natural painkillers. So some people find that headaches or menstrual cramps diminish after climaxing. So I guess you're not allowed to have a headache as an excuse anymore.

Gabby Foster: We could go over fun excuses too. We were going to do that.

Kerry Winge: We were having, yes. So what excuses, Gabby, do you give for not wanting to have sex?

Gabby Foster: Too tired. I'm too tired. But we learned that it increases endorphins and that's not an excuse because it can give you some energy. I can't use that one anymore.

Nathaniel DeSantis: Stress is an excuse I think a lot of people use.

Kerry Winge: Stress is definitely an excuse absolutely.

Nathaniel DeSantis: The four four seven four.

Kerry Winge: Four four seven four. I think my biggest excuse is I'll be late for work, I can't be late for work.

Gabby Foster: I think a big important one if we're gonna you know go a little bit deeper which are things that you've already touched on but a big one is self-esteem. A lot of women don't feel good about themselves, you know, turn the lights off. It's in the end of the day. I'm really bloated at the end of the day. Those types of things. I think it's good that you really hit on how important it is to know yourself, open communication, talk to your partners, and don't allow that as an excuse because, like you said, men are ready to roll. They don't. Lights on or off. And, you know, we need to be a little bit easier on ourselves as women. I think it was Eat, Pray, Love. Is it Julia Roberts or I think it's Julia Roberts. I can't remember. She had said, you know, the woman was like, I can't have another piece of pizza. I, you know, I'm so big. And she says, you know, has a woman ever turned you away when he wants to have sex? No. So men, the partner that you're with, they don't care. They love you. They're, they want to be intimate with you. And that's, you're harder on yourself.

Kerry Winge: I agree.

Nathaniel DeSantis: I think for some men, an excuse and not even an excuse. And this is something that I'm sure we'll talk about in another episode is that, pipes aren't working for them. And that's a whole nother topic that I think we have planned for later but.

Kerry Winge: We sure do. We sure do. Yeah, we're gonna have Dr. Shakari Rad on as a guest who is a world-renowned urologist who's actually based out of here in Morgantown, West Virginia. He's an inventor and a doctor and a speaker so we have lots of great questions for him as well and we're excited because he's going to be on for the Movember movement and men's health and awareness. Are there things that, as a man, you find... That your partner can do that would increase your desire or enhance your experience in the bedroom?

Nathaniel DeSantis: I think as the solo man on this episode today, I will speak as an authority on this. I think a lot of it is actually very similar to what we discussed. I mean, a big thing that it's a cliche, it's tossed around a lot, but it's a cliche for a reason is foreplay starts in the kitchen. Right? That's a very common thing. Because for men, we're not always the most attentive when it comes to dishes and cleaning and things like that. So I think for women, it's like he puts an effort in the relationship beyond just wanting to have sex or to feel good. I think it's the same way for men, although granted, it's not necessarily like foreplay starts in the kitchen, but just knowing that the person you're with thinks you're attractive, knowing that they're grateful for you know the small things that you do or not maybe grateful isn't the word but they're appreciative of the help that you do around the house things like that making you feel wanted things of that nature help so I think just being a good partner.

Right I think a lot of this goes to being a good partner like understanding their love language you know men are no different than women we have love languages too and we respond certain ways to certain things I think healthy and open communication I think as a man if your partner isn't in the mood to have sex sometimes I think that we take that very personally as a reflection upon us and I think open communication understanding like that's not a me thing all the time that it could be maybe I don't know but you know certain situations maybe it's not maybe they didn't do their breathing maybe they're stressed from work maybe they didn't get a promotion they really wanted right I think just communicating being open yes I think it's a lot of the exact same things and yeah the other things with like erectile dysfunction that's a conversation for a different topic because I think a lot of that for men is that's probably the more psychological part like with what we're talking about with orgasms you know it starts in your brain for a lot of men that's the case with erectile dysfunction not so much that the blood isn't going where it's supposed to go just you are interfering with yourself and I think a lot of that has to do with the relaxation part as well but that's long story short I think a lot of what you advised here is the exact same if the roles are reversed so yeah just being a good partner I think.

Kerry Winge: That's awesome wouldn't it be nice if we all had a book.

Nathaniel DeSantis: Like book of instructions.

Kerry Winge: That would be absolutely amazing. But what I find that's interesting is kind of cliche overall. You can't go from feeling shitty to giddy in two seconds. But let's just say you didn't get the promotion that you wanted and your partner is just being caring and listening and adding open communication. And then all of a sudden, you know, they're really feeling supportive and loved. Well, it can go from like, hey, I'm not interested in having sex. I definitely want to do this right now. It doesn't take a lot. It's just about that personal connection and feeling supported. And then you're willing to connect on a deeper level. So today we covered a lot of different aspects of the topic of orgasm. And we really thank you for listening and taking the time to educate yourself today in order to be able to live your best life. However, if you have any questions on the topics that we have discussed, feel free to go to our Instagram, DM us, or leave a comment on YouTube. All of the links will be in the episode description. We'll see you next time.